Tired of Sleep

Hey,

2011-10-13T04:51:00.000-07:00

I'd really just like to smoke this one cig in peace. Wait, can't smoke. Then, I'd like to lean against this wall in peace.

But there's no peace. The world keeps pulling at different directions, though. School, north. Relationships, northwest.

North by northwest I'm dragged but I'd rather walk down southeast tracks.

I don't really want anything to keep track of. Relationships, studies, promises.

But I promise I'll maintain these. I don't want to keep promises, but I have to. My word binds me.

Well, I'm a binder of words. A lot of my words are just paper. Some smart, some dumb, some sweet, some mean.

I don't mean everything I say, but what I do mean I'm serious about.

So seriously, I'll play your Milton Bradley game. I'll live how you expect me to live. But please, grant me a day of no obligation. A day where no one will call me, no one will knock on my door.

I'm knocking. Cool if you answer.

Soran Leif - After the Rain (produced by Kkaytoh)

Broken Watch.

2011-07-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

Time goes slower in the city.

It happens when I'm on the train. The smells and sights of the bay, in all its grey/blue glory. I've tried taking pictures during these moments, but the focus is never right. It's never just the water, it's never just the sky, it's never just the fog. It's everything I take in during these moments. Even the smell of the hippies sitting a row behind me.

And it happens when I'm driving. Has to be night. No traffic. Rain is optional, but preferred. I like a little splash. Street lights, generous speed limit. Generous green lights.

Glory of the city.

Miles Davis - Blue in Green

Gotta keep.

2011-03-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

The world might end tomorrow. We got a tsunami in Japan and possible nuclear meltdown, funnel clouds in SF, tornadoes in Santa Rosa, a war in Libya, a "supermoon" in the sky possibly causing all this crazy shit minus Libya. Maybe minus Libya. And crazy rain in Davis. The whole world is a storm right now.

If the world's gonna end tomorrow, maybe I should start living for myself now. Gotta go get mine, no matter what the cost, right?

She was there, she was feeling me, I was feeling her, and I shoulda asked her out. Or, I shouldn't. This the girl my homie's been crushing on for two thirds of a school year. Even if he knows she's not into him and his game plan is "persistence pays."

I even resisted asking for her number. While she's twirling the hell out of her hair like it a freakin pinwheel. While she's tryna play it cool even though her eyes are firing like hadouken. While she's asking me about every facet of my life, listening, and not treating me like some CNN.com article that she could read and then close the window on.

She's even on Verizon too. One text can lead to two can lead to sex.

Nah, that wouldn't be how I'd talk to her. That's disrespectful. To more than just me and her.

She's not your everyday normal girl. She can banter, she can argue with me about things that matter, we can stimulate each other's minds. And her mannerisms are cute as hell. She's smooth as hell. Marriage material.

But my bro's into her. I shouldn't. This wasn't a regret, it shouldn't be a regret. I know I did the right thing. Right?

World could end tomorrow. This little decision I made might not matter that much. My homeboy can't persist if we don't got a world to persist on.

Maybe I shoulda asked her out. Then, I wouldn't be second guessing myself. World could end right? Homie wouldn't have treated her right anyways. He only wants one thing from her.

No. Not gonna trash my bro like that. I know what kind of person he is, I'm not gonna belittle him to benefit me. Gotta follow what's right. Not my wants, my desires.

If the world ends, I don't want my life to end without me staying true to what convicts me. That's why I gotta keep. Keep on, that is. Keep on staying the course, whatever the hell that course is. Keep on tryna do good. Keep, keep on.

tl;dr

bros before hoes. I'd probably jump on that if he ever gets over her though.

Mos Def - Umi Says (Zero 7 Remix)

"Time waits for no man.

2011-02-28T03:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

Old ass quote. Played out.

Played out like some four year old Nikes I use for jogging.

Played out like some dusty Nina Simone record.

Played out like some same words my mom says to me when she knows I'm down.

It's still useful. It's still beautiful. It's still soothing.

I'm alive. Right now, at least. I wanna stay alive, but there's no point in hoping for that. I just want to be of use. I don't know if I can be beautiful or soothing, but I can be of use. I'll be those old ass Nikes.

Give me work. Give me meaningful work, and I'll do it. I can't spend my days sitting still. I have to move.

Thank you for now. I'll appreciate it forever.

Nobuo Uematsu - Theme of Love

Modesty

2011-02-12T03:37:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna start getting more personal, since no one really reads this crap anyways.

I'm not as humble as I'd like to be.

I try to do everything in a way that hasn't been done before. People have some basic desires: food, sleep, and love. For me, add originality to that list.

I try to say things that people wouldn't expect, take roads that no one takes, and think thoughts in a different way.

The bad part about this is that at times, people don't really understand why I do most of the things I do. I sometimes get into a selfish cocky "I'm the only one in the world who's like this" mindset because of that. It's not difficult to keep it in check, because when I think about it, my accomplishments don't quite back up these conceited thouhgts. Still, the fact that I have those thoughts at all means I'm a long way towards humility.

Mos Def - A Brighter Day

Feeling 2011

2011-01-08T03:02:00.000-08:00

It's fun to forget yourself. Sometimes I sit in a crowd and try to breathe in the atmosphere around me. I try to feel all of what everyone else is feeling. I try to feel their movement. I try to feel their happiness. I try to feel their pain. It's almost a transcendent feeling.

What makes this "almost" is that I'm not actually doing anything with this feeling. I'm not doing anything to make these people happier nor am I doing anything to make these people better deal with their pain. I'm empathizing, but feeling for someone doesn't have any tangible effect on them.

I want to figure out a way to forget myself, but at the same time, still be able to do something to help the people I'm forgetting myself for. I can't just feel for you. You'll never know how I feel unless I show it.

Hiroku Kobuko - 1000 Words

Illegal Carpool

2010-12-29T03:32:00.000-08:00

I'm moving pretty fast. I'm worried that I'm moving too fast. Things aren't new anymore. I don't marvel at things anymore like I did in my teenage years. I don't have that drive.

As you get more used to living, life goes by faster. Three miles become two miles. Two miles become one mile. It's like you've fallen asleep with your foot on the accelerator.

And I have to keep moving. I can't get distracted by my rear view mirror. I can look at it, and let it guide me, but I can't get lost in it.

Not gonna be an accident.

Nujabes - Winter Lane (Nujabes Remix)(feat. DSK)

johnny van jones: sorry got d/c'd

2010-12-13T02:28:00.000-08:00

I kinda disconnect myself. At least in this town. I hang out with a lot of different people but I haven't really entrenched myself into any groups. I don't have a crew. I spend big chunks of my days alone because it's easier that way. I eat alone, I walk to school alone, I think alone.

Could be a selfish habit. No. It is a selfish habit. I avoid connecting with people because I know connection doesn't last. We're human, we don't last. The only person that I'm sure will never leave me, is me. That's a selfish ass thought. A selfish ass lie.

I forget that I'm human. I hunger for human connection. I want to love. I just need to stop acting like I don't want to.

Radiohead - Weird Fishes/Arpeggi

Masks

2010-12-05T00:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie to you. It's still pretty easy to lie. I don't mean outright falsehoods to peoples' faces. I stopped doing that years ago. There's other ways to lie. My demeanor can lie. My eyes can lie. My implications can lie. This shouldn't be this easy.

I wish I never learned how to do this.

Wishing doesn't change much. I just have to do. I can better myself. Nothing easy is ever worth anything. If I make the right choice early, I can change early.

I'm taking the mask off.

Uyama Hiroto - Homeward Journey

Something I Didn't Remember

2010-11-20T01:12:00.000-08:00

I forgot how easy it is to lie. You know what I mean.

I lie to get out of things, I lie to get into things, I lie to get certain reactions, I lie... to lie. I lie every day.

It's a problem.

Honestly, all I wanna do is lie on a bench somewhere, on a 68 degree fall afternoon, and watch the leaves fall. I want to appreciate. That's the only lie I really want.

These other lies is infectious though. They're seductive. I can't lie to myself, they are.

Don't let me lie to you.

Tokimonsta - Lovely Soul

"Give me the fortune,

2010-10-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

keep the fame."

Nothing too new to report. Just school. One of my teachers really likes my essays and hopes that I revise it well enough for it to be published or something.

I kind of don't want to be noticed. It's safer this way. It's also a little selfish. I don't want to be put under a microscope for the whole world to see. I'd rather just sit in the park and play my harmonica.

World don't work that way though. If you want success, you have to be noticed. You have to put yourself out there. You have to sell yourself.

I think I need that middle ground. Success with dignity. I want those flashing lights, but I don't want them on me.

Arcade Fire - In the Back Seat

Getting Back to Thinking

2010-07-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

I tried tumblr earlier in the week. I think I'll keep it, but I'll stay on blogger also. On tumblr, I post intuitively, whether it's in image form or audio or text. On blogger, I feel compelled to think out my posts.

I probably need to think more. I can't live on intuition for all of my life. It's served me adequately, but not as well as I would have liked. I'm still uncertain. Nothing in my life lately has been planned. I need that comfort of knowing what's going to happen in a couple of weeks. It's a selfish feeling. I shouldn't worry so much.

Bill Evans - What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life

A Few Thoughts Before Sleeping.

2010-06-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to decide what type of man I want to be.

I know what type of man I should be. Selfless, caring, intuitive, nonjudgemental, and a servant to all.

The things I should do, half of the time I don't want to. Ease is what I aim for. Ease in schoolwork, ease in friendship, ease in women, ease in dealing with my family. Ease for myself. It all pretty much comes down to selfishness. I don't know if I can erase that, but it doesn't hurt to try. Erase was the wrong word. Magic Rub doesn't get everything out. Let's say "cut out." Scissors are concise.

Should I be sleeping this late? Probably not. Been doing it for a year straight though. I lied about my sleeping habits. I might as well turn that lie into a truth. It'll be brighter tomorrow morning.

Curumin - Solidão Gasolina

Chasing Briefness.

2010-05-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with transience.

I consider the long-term in everything I do, but the things I end up doing always lean towards the quick, abrupt, and the succinct. I don't think it's living in the moment, but rather, living in brief. This happens with everything. Things go by so quickly.

We all move so fast. If the world were a city, then our human connection would last as long as a quick brushing of shoulders on the sidewalk. Our lives stay in constant movement because our destinations are only momentary respites. Whatever we find, we lose in a few seconds. So we look for other passing desires to move toward.

There's got to be something better to look for.

St. Vincent - Landmines

Dreamin'.

2010-04-26T02:34:00.000-07:00

Waking up from a good dream is the worst experience.

I've surpassed time and space in my dreams. I've learned every possible secret that the earth has to offer. I've been to the inside of a black hole and back. I've seen the inside of the earth. I've crossed the end of the universe.

I've transcended life in my dreams.

This transcendence ends though. Everything ends. One day I won't be able to sleep anymore.

Maybe I'll be able to dream after life. Maybe I won't. I just have to keep thinking I will.

Stevie Wonder - Visions

Conversations with Strangers.

2010-04-07T02:38:00.000-07:00

It's pretty gratifying to have a discussion with someone you hardly know. You don't have to follow any rules set by relationships that you've already established. By rules, I mean the image of you created by the person you're interacting with. When you act outside these rules, you change the dynamics how you interact with someone.

That's why I like talking to strangers. I don't have to worry about images. I just need to focus on the conversation and hopefully establish a connection, however fleeting that connection may be. It's a transient feeling. But transience is a defining aspect of human interaction. Nothing we do on this planet lasts forever.

Sometimes it's refreshing to not have to worry about making something last, when you know that everything in life has an expiration date. It could be just me, food tastes a lot more delicious than it should when I know that it'll expire in a few days. Maybe it's the preservatives.

Specifics - Lonely City

Luck.

2010-04-04T03:35:00.000-07:00

Life's been good.

Luckily.

I don't really know if I'm in control of my life, because reason is not usually involved in the choices I make. To clarify, most of the choices I've made up to now were based on whims. Is that really free will?

When I walk home from a late class and decide to take the long route for no particular reason, am I exercising free will or am I following a random event? Are all of these random whims actually predetermined? What has predetermined them?

Thank God I'm pretty lucky.

Kenmochi Hidefumi - Falliccia

Love Part II

2010-04-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a moment where questioned your feelings? Like, are these real, genuine emotions that you feel or are they things that you've convinced yourself to feel? When something bad happens, do you get angry/depressed intrinsically or do you think "hmm, something bad happened so maybe I should feel bad?" Is all this stuff just neurons and crap in my head?

This happens to me everyday and I honestly don't have an explanation about it. Maybe I think too much.

Thankfully, I'm pretty sure that love is real. It's too complicated an emotion for me to question. I may not even know what love is, but I know that it's not something I can deny. Still, maybe it's just a chemical imbalance. I'll keep it though. Life never turns out to be balanced anyways.

John Coltrane - A Love Supreme (Resolution)

Love Part I

2010-03-28T02:11:00.001-07:00

"When I think of love, I think, what the hell, I've been in love before. I'm not so bad off. Maybe it'll happen again. The nights are long sometimes. I've slept alone so long. Maybe it won't happen again... I have to keep thinking it will."

Nujabes ft. Shing02 - Luv (Sic) Part 3 (Extended Version)

Rest in Peace, Jun Seba.

2010-03-18T03:46:00.000-07:00

This actually hurts.

Your songs have been the background of my life since I started listening to you.

You've shown me so many different styles, disciplines, melodies, words, souls, from listening to your songs. Hell, I even researched the samples you picked.

Fuck it. I'm going to become a Modal Soul. My music's going to stir emotions. I don't know when. I don't know how. I don't even know if I'm capable. Still going to do it.

Goodbye, Nujabes. Let's collab in the afterlife. Maybe we'll play some ping pong.

Interview with the University of the Pacific tomorrow.

2009-02-12T19:28:00.001-08:00

Totally gonna wreck this shit.

2009 Check Listin'

2009-01-07T22:53:00.000-08:00

Get school shit together -
Relearn, and then master piano -
Don't get preoccupied -
Go back to work (after AP testing) -
Be happy - halfcheck

2008 -

2008-12-31T23:15:00.000-08:00

Change. Real change? Yes. Better life. Different life. Letting go. Forget unfaithfulness. Forget her.

Slightly more relaxed.

2008-12-10T17:19:00.001-08:00

Meditation works. Now to figure shit out.

Maybe I should just focus all my energy into my schoolwork. It'd be a lot less stressful.

Update!

2008-12-09T20:57:00.001-08:00

Confused. Sleepy. Thought/thinks too much. Not vindictive. Not content.

Defining pic:

2008-11-17T17:00:00.000-08:00

<3 Vans

Start.

2008-11-08T23:17:00.000-08:00